the broadened heart

i live through love and love lives through me

it has been months since i've written an essay, and months since i’ve received a grade i hadn’t hoped for. that kind of disappointment was enough to set off any motivation to write again, so i guess sharing this feels a bit like exposure therapy. i hope it reignites me back into my writing roots because i’ve been overflowing with ideas and thoughts lately.

this essay will explore the idea of love as a vital character strength and it’s connection to the broaden and build theory + personal experiences

Many people offer love effortlessly despite never receiving it, yet others live through it their entire lives and continue to question its presence. While I may not remember explicit moments in which I have obtained love, providing it to those around me was second nature. It is known that “we accept the love we think we deserve” (Chbosky, 1999), as this quote has echoed through my soul for as long as I can remember. Yet I was never certain as to whether I was deserving of love or not, for perhaps I gave it out due to my knowledge of its absence rather than its existence within me. Love stems as a vital character strength amongst the various roots embedded in our humanity, it acquires a powerful connection with both satisfaction and self acceptance. Hence, it is essential to accept the ability of being loved just as much as the ability to love, as relationships and personal growth tend to emerge from reciprocated feelings of warmth, trust, empathy, and understanding (Harzer, 2016). I tend to view love as a transformative force that supports our healing, a light that reshapes our souls, and a seed that grows within us. Plato supports this view, as he expresses his own understanding of love as an influential stamina that encourages self development and integrity. He views a loveless world as soul starved and insignificant, referring to the intrinsic worth that love withholds (Levy, 1979). Through the lens of love as an aspect that never echoed through my heart, or as something that I poured out of my soul despite feelings of inferiority, I acknowledge how it became my syntax of survival and recognize the deep need of securing it beneath my shadows.

A framework that views love as a mosaic of emotions and experiences is the broaden and build theory. Fredrickson (2004) expresses his labelling of it as “broaden and build” due to the enlargement that favourable emotions tend to have on momentary thoughts and actions. This theory represents the way in which positive emotions increase and establish cognitions, actions, analytical abilities, as well as relationships. According to several experiments, broadened introspection was measured through globalized visual processors in which individuals were expected to observe and evaluate the difference between two figures in relation to another. Proof of broadened thinking methods were observed across how positive emotions were portrayed using electromyographic signals and a wider perceptual scope. This reinforces the core of the broaden and build theory under which positive feelings diversify the range of reflections and responses that one may contemplate. Moreover, as those emotions enhance, they also operate as antidotes to the heavy weights of the heart. Negative sensations become narrowed and corrected when regulated, and this is named as the undo hypothesis. Further evidence has suggested that this undo effect strengthens one’s psychological and physiological well being as the capability of bouncing back is cultivated from experiencing optimistic responses that fuel resilience. These responses also portray how there is a higher likelihood of developing continual goals that guide individuals into observing the positive meanings hidden in the rhythms of life. Emotions and cognitive processes often impact one another mutually, suggesting an upward spiral that leads to significant increases in emotional stability (Fredrickson, 2004). Love links heavily to this broaden and build theory, as it is deemed to be one of the core positive emotions with many different types. Moments crafted through love tend to expand anchored bonds and stabilize social means that may be gathered later on. Love, amongst other various positive emotions, broadens and shares elements of refining our intellectual, physical, and social resources in an enduring way that contributes to their acquisition (Fredrickson, 1998). This theory has assisted me into untangling the truth of why love was my foundation, even in times of transparency.

“The best thing you can offer people is yourself”, hearing these words stem from an extremely impactful person in my life shook my soul as I acknowledged how deeply it resonated with me. I have unknowingly offered my love on a plate for the entirety of my lifetime, not because I carried enough to offer, but because I was unsure which of it I was allowed to keep. I had turned myself into a withholder of secrets and thoughts yet found that to be my purpose all along. In moments of distress, fear, or uncertainty, loving and helping others became my antidote, as it was the only thing that made me feel worthy of existing. I would often sacrifice my own comfort simply to attend to others needs, and while it might have been draining, it certainly established the basis of my identity. I used to believe that perhaps if I did not serve my full, unconditional, and selfless love towards others, then there was a distant possibility no one else would. Being aware of that risk was a weight my heart could not bear; so I gave and I gave till I was empty and numb, and till the weight of the world left my body undone. I carved out my heart and offered it entirely, even when love did not linger as it slipped out the holes. I held the belief that making others feel worthy might have meant I was worthy too, and through my being of a light to others, love was proof of my existence. Hence in various ways, love has saved me. Witnessing and acknowledging the humanity of the world through the ways in which the birds sang, through shared smiles and stolen glances, through the appreciation of teachers, or through the beauty that constantly surrounded me, has led to a connection towards myself. And in return, this had aided my personal growth, as the beauty and love I see through nature must exist within me, for I am a part of nature that survives through the winds as well. I now acknowledge that love shall not feel costly in order to exist, that it is not a burden to acquire nor a liability to provide. I recognize the importance of all types of love, but more specifically Philautia, which is directed towards oneself. Self love is essential in order to cultivate warmth towards others, as one must love themselves before portraying this level of affection towards their surroundings (Clingan, 2021). Thus, the best thing you could offer people remains yourself, but only as long as gentleness is poured through the cracks of your heart that you have inherited, and until you manage to articulate yourself back into belonging, for “owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do” (Brown, 2010).

To conclude, love is one of the most influential and powerful strengths guided by humanity. Its significance has aided in my growth and hardships as it served me various opportunities even when fear, guilt, and shame consumed me whole. The broadening of my emotional resilience that is woven through my possession of love, causes me to structure relationships that embrace my ability to recognize the light inside me that I had dimmed long ago. Gaining insight into the broaden and build theory has fueled my connection with myself and led to an evolved perspective of my understanding of love. It cleared up to me that “I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging” (Brown, 2010). In the end, love is a transformative force that I must begin to accept, one that obtains an inextinguishable light within us all. It is the silent truth that I have been blinded to, one that I must embody before radiating. It is the flash of epiphany and realization that perhaps, I may be deserving of love after all.