yet still

for those who have survived days they never thought they would

christina’s world, andrew wyeth - 1948

im living the happiest days of my life,
im swimming with dolphins at sunrise,
and yet still, im sad.
yet still, i stand.

ive learned the names of all my ghosts,
they speak the loudest after dark.
they count my failures one by one,
and trace them gently on my heart.
the 29th, the 13th, the nights i should have disappeared.
but morning found another me,
and somehow im still breathing here.

when life gets hard and people die,
when sickness pulls unplanned flights,
when attempts fail and love means fright,
when habits stick and take my life.
but yet still, i try
and yet still, i cry.

so tell me, how many versions have i been?
how many never made it through?
i leave them scattered down the road,
like names nobody ever knew.
i talk to the ghosts that are just like me,
the ones who almost won the fight.
they ask me why im still alive,
but i never get the answer right.

and im afraid, of this world
it takes my hand, then lets it slip.
and i get lost inside my home,
dont know who i am or where im from.
yet still, im here
yet still, i breathe

and while im filled with fear, maybe hope is also there.
but what if hope is just a wound?
one that deceives and never heals.

ive buried the lives ive never lived,
grieved the person i could have been.
if tomorrow asks for more of me,
im not sure what ill have to give.
ive spent so long trying to survive,
that ive never learned how to live.
but yet still, i stand
yet still, i try,
and yet still, i breathe